Lets cheer thee all up.

[Hats Off]

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

[dogduke]

A SIMPLE LESSON IN EURO ECONOMICSIt is August and in a small town on the South Coast of France the holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening and everyone is heavily in debt.Fortunately, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter as a deposit. He takes the key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100. The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt. The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit. The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory, takes his E100 back and departs.There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRUNCH?

[dogduke]

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .. There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.' It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wakeUP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lockUP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and thin k UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word< U> UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thir ty definitions. I f you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so............ it is time to shut UP .!            

[dogduke]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks fromtime to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lieto you.4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes tobe with you.5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know eachother.

[dogduke]

            Understanding Engineers One            Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one            said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"            The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding            my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to            the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."            The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes            probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."            Understanding Engineers Two            To the optimist, the glass is half-full.            To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.            To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.            THREE DELETED            Understanding Engineers Four            What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?            Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.            Understanding Engineers Five            The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"            The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"            The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"            The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"         SIX DELETED            Understanding Engineers Seven            Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.            Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.            

[dogduke]

sharing of marriage....The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one halfin front of his wife.He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two pilesand neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup downbetween them .As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people aroundthem were looking over and whispering.Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford isone meal for the two of them.'As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politelyoffered to buy another meal for the old couple.The old man said, they werejust fine - they were used to sharing everything.People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.Shesat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping thedrink.Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked'What is it you are waiting for?'She answered'THE TEETH.'

[dogduke]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.' The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strongevidence that Jesus had long hair.'To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'

[farbank]

After examining the paper bag his lunch had been wrapped in, the doctor discovered it was HIV positive.Couldn't possibly be homosexual, or sharing needles with a drug abuser. It's a paper bag.Only possible solution, it's mother must have been a ' carrier'.!!( Not bad for a 75yr.old.)

[Crazy Jane]

Ah yes,Doctor doctor, i think i've got HermesDon't you mean Herpes?No, i'm only a carrier

[Middleton Sheriff]

If money doesn't grow on trees , why do banks have branches?What is the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon?One is used for cunning stunts.