Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
volvojack
Posts: 1383
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by volvojack »

CHILDRENS BIBLE CLASS........1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF ChEATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAHS WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. DID HE REALLY LET A PAIR OF TERMITES ON BOARD A WOODEN ARK . 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS. 8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE. CURLY, LARRY AND MO ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 18. ST. JOHN , THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY. 26. DAVID SLEW GOLIATH WITH THE ARSE BONE OF A GIRAFFE. SAINT HARRY RAMSDEN AND GREGGS FED THREE THOUSAND PEOPLE WITH FIVE LOAVES AND TWO FISHES .. MORSE DROVE THE JAGUARS OUT OF OXFORD.
Last edited by volvojack on Sun 07 Jun, 2020 7:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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tilly
Posts: 2015
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by tilly »

I picked up an hitch hiker seemed like a nice guy.After a few miles he asked if i wasn't afraid he might be a serial killer.I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely. Its been a bit of a strange day first i found a hat full of money.Then i was chased by a angry man with a guitar. Me sobbing my heart out,, eyes swollen nose red, i cant see you anymore i am not going to let you hurt me again.Trainer it was a sit up, you did one sit up.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

warringtonrhino
Posts: 420
Joined: Sat 18 Feb, 2012 2:31 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by warringtonrhino »

Last week I spent £150,000 on a vintage limousine but it didn't have a driver. I was gutted I spent all that money and had nothing to chauffeur it.

volvojack
Posts: 1383
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by volvojack »

Advert taken out in the personal column of the y.e.p. Will Barry Smith please get in touch...... Bring 3 rings....Engagement..Wedding and Teething
...........................................................
My pal has become addicted to drinking brake fluid but he says he can stop whenever he wants to

volvojack
Posts: 1383
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by volvojack »

A man and his lad went to the window of Newcastle United and asked for two but said " have only got a £50 note. the gate keeper said "what do you want , Defender or Striker"



Police on Merseyside are looking for burglars who broke into Evertons Trophy room and stole the entire contents...The public are being asked to look out for a very dusty carpet and maybe Lord Lucan and Shergar.



A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asked, "May I see your drivers license?" The driver answered, "I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI." The officer asked, "May I see the owners card for this vehicle?" The driver answered,"Its not my car. I stole it." The officer asked, "The car is stolen?" The driver answered, "Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there." The officer asked, "Theres a gun in the glove box?" The driver answered, "Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk." The officer asked, "Theres a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?" The driver answered, "Yes, sir." Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by! police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation. The Captain asked, "Sir, can I see your license?" The driver answered, "Sure. Here it is." It was valid. The Captain asked, "Whos car is this?" The driver answered, "Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card." The driver owned the car. The Captain asked, "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it?" The driver answered, "Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. The Captain asked, "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it." The driver answered, "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body. The Captain said, "I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk." The driver answered, "Yeah, Ill bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!"

warringtonrhino
Posts: 420
Joined: Sat 18 Feb, 2012 2:31 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by warringtonrhino »

I am going to remove all the posts in the garden, in case they cause a fence.

warringtonrhino
Posts: 420
Joined: Sat 18 Feb, 2012 2:31 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by warringtonrhino »

scammers are telling vulnerable people that if you put a £10 note in batter and fry it, it will turn into a £20 note. Many people have already frittered away their savings

volvojack
Posts: 1383
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by volvojack »

A pal of mine has crossed a pit bull terrier with a saint bernard . it attacks you then goes for help
.i saw a fellow talking to a cheetah ... i thought to myself i bet he is trying to pull a fast one

User avatar
tilly
Posts: 2015
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by tilly »

Did you hear about the crab that went to a dance and pulled a mussel.A guy goes to a fancy dress party with a girl on his back.What have you come has they asked him a tortoise he answered. Who is that on you back, he says its Michelle .
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

volvojack
Posts: 1383
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by volvojack »

Prince Charles was on an official visit to Middlesborough and has he stepped from the car he was greeted by the Lord Mayor. " Mayor "He said Welcome on behalf of the population your Highness but i notice you are wearing a fur hat with a tail hanging down" the Prince replied when i told the Queen was going to visit Miidldlesbough Mummy said Wheres the fox that"

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