Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
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volvojack
Posts: 1391
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by volvojack »

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
"Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The directowas astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father".

warringtonrhino
Posts: 425
Joined: Sat 18 Feb, 2012 2:31 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by warringtonrhino »

my wife used to feel very uncomfortable about breastfeeding in public but now that she has had the baby she feels more relaxed.

volvojack
Posts: 1391
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by volvojack »

3 words ... 6 letters...... "Is it in"
3 words.....10 letters,,,,,"Are you sure "

volvojack
Posts: 1391
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by volvojack »

Could not afford £74 million for the picture "Scream" so did the next best thing ........I bought a picture of Victoria Beckham

V
What do they call a crap t.v. presenter and a person who used to help German P. O. W.s to escape ???


Jerry Springer
Last edited by volvojack on Thu 28 May, 2020 3:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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blackprince
Posts: 748
Joined: Tue 04 Sep, 2007 2:10 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by blackprince »

Who would have believed that 10 weeks of lockdown hair growth could weigh half a stone.
The bathroom scales don’t lie!

Interviewer: “Congratulations you’ve got the job. The starting salary is £500 pounds per week. Later that increases to £600 per week. Can you start on Monday?”
Job Seeker: “ No , I’ll start later. “
It used to be said that the statue of the Black Prince had been placed in City Square , near the station, pointing South to tell all the southerners who've just got off the train to b****r off back down south!

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tilly
Posts: 2015
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by tilly »

I applied for a job last week got an interview they asked me have you got a police record i said i have got Walking On The Moon.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

volvojack
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Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by volvojack »

a relative phoning his brother in Armley prison was asking about conditions and if their was the problems as he had got this virus and everybody was confined to their cells. he replied "Not bad except the food is quite boring" when asked what he meant. replied 'cos all we get is Pizza and Toast. when asked why was that. the prisoner replied " It seems that is all that they can get under the door"
Last edited by volvojack on Thu 28 May, 2020 3:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

volvojack
Posts: 1391
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by volvojack »

Murphy went for an interview at the Bank. the manager asked "If you had £55. in your trouser pocket and £65. in your jacket pocket, what would you have" Murphy quick as a flash replied "Someone else suit"
............................
Paddy was down a country with his new girl friend and she said "Paddy i am a little bit thirsty" Paddy said there is a drink in the glove compartment, help yourself. She had a look and said "This is for pregnant women only" Paddy said Thats O.K. you can drink it on the way home.

volvojack
Posts: 1391
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by volvojack »

Before you leave for work each morning make it a rule to put your arms around her, kiss her tenderly on the lips and tell her you love and will miss her,can'wait for this evening to come . as you walk to your car wipe the dog hairs from your mouth

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tilly
Posts: 2015
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by tilly »

The car would not start this morning must have been because its not been used .I asked the next door neighbuor if he had any jump leads he said no problem.He came back with a diary with lots of womens names in it.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

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