Joke of the Week

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volvojack
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Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 29 Sep, 2019 5:54 pm

If a man opens the door every time the woman gets in either the car is new or the wife is.

A man saw an advert for a car and thought that looks quite good so he goes and sees it. The seller says there she is just one owner and only my wife has driven it. The man asks "How many clutches has it had." come on, just look at it, it is immaculate power steering and low mileage The man asks again "How many clutches has she had fitted" The seller says Its like a brand new car and you can see it has all the extras fitted. The buyer says "I know it is under three years old but how many clutches has it had"
The man hangs his head and says Seven
volvojack
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Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 01 Oct, 2019 5:34 pm

Useful phrases for travelling in the Middle East.
"Were All Going on a Saudi Holiday"

Akbar Khali kili Hoftar Loftan. "Thank you very much for showing me your marvellous big gun". Fekr Gabul Oradan Davit Paeh Cush Divar. " I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my lega apart." Shomeh Fekr Tamomeh Deh Gofteh Bande " I agree with everthing or any thought you have ever had or word you have uttered in your life. " Auto Agrrereg Davatman Davo Sepaheh Hast. " It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the Trunk of your car." Fash -al Etupman Na Degat Mano Goftam Cheeshayeh Moyemara Jebehkesh Shivarehman. " If you will do me the kindness of not removing my Genital appendegages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public". Tiekh Nunehob Khreeleh Belorg Va Khrube Bemast Ino Beferam. "The Red blindfold will be more than acceptable your Excellency." Maternier Ghermez Ahleieh Ghorban. " My, the water soaked Breadcrumbs are delicious, you really must let me have the Recipe" Belagh goooof ma. " This is so nice being chained to a Radiator
and the rats make time go by so quickly"
volvojack
Posts: 1296
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 09 Oct, 2019 6:44 pm

Archaeologists working on the earliest known street in Leeds (Kirkgate) have uncovered some more artefact. It seems that this 17th. century White Cloth Hall was once "Yeo Olde Dry Cleaners" and they have found a "Reklaw" tie pin and some unclaimed breeches whichit seems once belonged to a Lord tilly, who ruled over 'Unslet,Stourton and all surroundinding areas.
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tilly
Posts: 1978
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Wed 09 Oct, 2019 8:56 pm

He i will go and collect them must have been me great great granddads i was told he walked around Leeds with no breeches on for a few months before he died.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

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tilly
Posts: 1978
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Thu 10 Oct, 2019 6:50 pm

Murphy is on who wants to be a millionaire Chris Tarrant say you have one question for a million pounds.Which of theses birds does not build a nest an owl a blackbird a cuckoo or a thrush .Murphy says i will ring a friend so he rings Paddy and says which of theses birds does no build a nest an owl a blackbird a cuckoo or a thrush.Paddy says a cuckoo Murphy says are you sure Paddy says yes so Murphy says its a cuckoo, Chris Tarrant says you have just won a million pounds.When Murphy gets home he goes to see Paddy and says how did you know that, Paddy says every one knows a cuckoo lives in a clock.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
Posts: 1296
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 26 Oct, 2019 4:40 pm

Always wear underclothes whatever the weather. A couple shopping one Sat afternoon came back to their car and found it would not start. After ringing the RAC the wife decided she would spend some more time in the store whilst her husband made an attemt to fix it. On returning to the car park she saw quite a crowd gathered around the car She also saw a pair of legs sticking out from under the car.His meat and two veg. were clearly on view. she pushed her way through the crowd, slipped her hand under his shorts and gently took his "Tackle" in hand whilst pulling down his shorts. As she got back to her feet she saw her husbands face among the crowd. The RAC. man had eight stitches in his forehead.
volvojack
Posts: 1296
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 27 Oct, 2019 8:55 pm

A priest and a nepalese monk were having toast for breakfast and sudddenly the priest says "Look theres an image of Jesus in my margerine". The monk says "I can't believe its not Budda"
....................................................................................................................
With Halloween just around the corner i thought anyone wanting to watch a horror movie could borrow my wedding video
volvojack
Posts: 1296
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 05 Nov, 2019 11:24 am

More a fact than a joke....True Quotes
France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks
it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.’
[Mark Twain]

'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.' [General George S. Patton]

'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.' [General Norman Schwarzkopf] My personal favourite.

'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.' [Marge Simpson]
'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.' [Jacques Chirac, President of France]

'The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.' [Regis Philbin]

'You
know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
face for it.' [John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona]

'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.' [David Letterman]

'Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada' [Ted Nugent]

'War without France would be like World War II.' [Unknown]

'What
do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its
national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the
Nazis?' [Dennis Miller]

'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.' [Alan Kent]

'They've
taken their own precautions against al-Qaeda. To prepare for an attack,
each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a
three-day supply of mistresses in the house.' [Argus Hamilton]

'Somebody
was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on
eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.''
[Rep. Roy Blunt, MO]

'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq ' [Dennis Miller]

'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried.' [Rep. R. Blount, MO]

Do
you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII?
And that's because it was raining.' [John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv]

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney: - (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003...

The
French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use
of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly
firework display at the park located just 30 miles outside of Paris
which caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender
to a group of Czech tourists.

warringtonrhino
Posts: 372
Joined: Sat 18 Feb, 2012 2:31 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby warringtonrhino » Tue 05 Nov, 2019 2:22 pm

This also is true
When I was at secondary school
TEACHER this term we are going to begin learning to speak French
ME well I'm not
TEACHER we have to, after all, French children have been learning to speak English for years.
ME true but they only learn two phrases.
TEACHER what are the phrases
ME 'Help' and ' now f**k off'
The teacher laughed and continued with the lesson.
volvojack
Posts: 1296
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 09 Nov, 2019 3:48 pm

in the Guiness tent at Aintre on grand national day a man sidles up to Murphy and says "Let me have £20 and i will give you the winner of the next race" Murphy replies thanks very much but we only have a small garden.
................................................................................................................................Later that day he se's his pal Paddy looking really down and when he asks whats the matter Paddy replies "Its Bridie she will kill me, i have put all our life savings on the horse in the last race and it came nowhere. Just First, look at It's form. It has won the last four times out don't understand it " F F P P .....Murphy says "No thats "Fallen,Fallen,Pulled up, Pulled up





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