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Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Thu 01 Nov, 2018 9:01 pm
by tilly
Charley Brown is sat in the pub with his mates they get talking about the Prime Minster Charley says shes a friend of mine.No way they say so they bet one hundred pounds that he is joking, so he says we will go down to London and i will prove it.They go down to Downing Street and wait in the crowd the door to number ten opens and May walks out ok Charley she says so he wins his bet.Back in the pub on another night they get talking about the Queen shes a friend of mine says Charley, we dont believe you they say so they have a two hundred pound bet this time.They get the train to London and go to Buckingham Palace and stand at the gates just then the Queen walks onto the balcony and beckons to Charley to come in, he comes out later and they get the train home.A few nights later there in the pub again and start talking about the Pope hes a friend of mine says Charley no way they say lets have a bet says Charley so its a four hundred pounds bet this time they fly over to Rome to the Vatican thousands of people are standing there Charley say watch that balcony and walks into the Vatican a little time later a door on the balcony opens and the Pope walks out with Charley at is side.A man in the crowd taps one of Charleys friends on the shoulder an asks who is that with Charley Brown .Sorry about that i could stop myself from posting it. :lol:

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Fri 02 Nov, 2018 8:26 pm
by volvojack
Sister Imelda is sat by the window in the Convent when she receives a letter from her parents "Dear daughter, as you know we were not too happy about you leaving home but as you are so happy then so are we. the only problem is that as we are living down here in Florida we can not get up to see you please find the $100 dollar bill in case there is anything you need. Good night and God Bless from your loving Parents.
As Sister is looking out of the window she sees a scruffy looking man leaning on a lamp post and over the next few days she watches and he is always there even in the pouring rain. Sometimes the Nuns go out and give him a hot drink. She looks down at this poor pathetic creature and makes her mind up. Taking the 100 Dollar bill and wraps it in a piece of notepaper writing the words "Don't Despair" then attracted the little old mans attention she threw it down to him. The following day Mother Superior called her down and said "There is a man here insisting on seeing you. She went into Mother Superiors office and there was this little old man. He stuffed a large bundle of Notes into her hands. When she asked what was this he replied "Your winnings $ 8,000 dollars from backing Don't Despair" she won at the odds of 80 to 1.

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Sat 03 Nov, 2018 2:35 pm
by volvojack
Teenagers in the U.S.A. after being together for six months are close they are exchanging "Purity Rings" meaning that although they are choose to have "No Sex".Here in England we just call it a Wedding ring.
My Mate Mick is a D.J. and also an electrician. he has put Strobe lighting on our bedroom ceiling so that when the wife and I have sex it will look as though she is moving
Whilst on Holiday in the States i saw a Shop selling Fresh Fish. It was Bill Haley's I asked him what fish have you got. He replied "Skate, Haddock and Sole"

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Mon 05 Nov, 2018 2:14 pm
by volvojack
The Most famous ever Cowboy was a Yorkshire man......"Tex Piss"

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Mon 05 Nov, 2018 2:48 pm
by volvojack
It was May 1945 when Germany finally surrendered World War Two but the Japanese did not until later in the year after being threatened with a full all out U.S. invasion.
One Jap soldier refused to believe that the War was over and hid in the hills. It was not until much later when the Emperor of Japan made a personal visit to tell him the News see did he come down.
After a suitable time to rest and be checked over he asked "Are Millican and Nesbitt still winning Opportunity Knocks"


Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Tue 06 Nov, 2018 7:51 pm
by tilly
A man goes to a racing greyhound kennels to buy a greyhound the owner shows him one and says i will guarantee this dog will be the first out of the traps if not i will double you money in a refund.The man buys it and enters it in a race sure enough its first out of the trap and leading by two meters at the first left hand bend.At the bend it runs through the barrier into the crowd he goes back to the kennels and tell him what happened the seller says its done that before, i have had a thought about it why not put a piece of lead in its left ear.How can i do that says the man with a 303 said the seller.

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Tue 06 Nov, 2018 9:32 pm
by volvojack
That Evil Murderous Dictator Robert Mugabe was certainly not a Yorkshireman was his Surname ispoken backwards is used in Yorkshire every day..
How do you know when its time for breakfast in Barnsley " summat t eight
Four Yorkshire Lads out hiking go a bit farther than normal and find them selves on the Yorks /Lancashire border and dying for a Pint they go in the Shepherds Rest, They order four pints of Bitter and the Landlord says Forty Pence. Four more Pints of Bitter late and he still charges Forty pence for the round. They can't help but ask "How can you sell this fine Tetleys bitter at just 10 p a pint. The Landlord smiles and says Last year i won £25 million on the Lottery and vowed i wowed i would have my dream pub and charge folks 10 pence for whatever drink they liked. Beer, whiskey. Gin, Rum, Brandy etc
and everybodys happy. One of the lads says "I can't help noticing those few lads up at the end of the bar not drinking, Are they tee total or what ? The Landlord smiles and says " No no they are just Lancastrians waiting for the "Happy Hour"

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Wed 07 Nov, 2018 5:15 pm
by volvojack

Pasta was not eaten in Australia or N.Z.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

All potato crisps were plain; the only choice we had was
whether to put the salt on or not.

Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.

Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded
as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called
cattle feed.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock!!

But the one thing that we never ever had on our table in the sixties .....

" Elbows or Phones.

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Mon 12 Nov, 2018 5:13 pm
by volvojack
Three Lads used to meet in the Pub every Friday evening and this Friday they were discussing problems with Teenage Daughters and how worried they were becoming. The Englishman said was in her room and found two packs if Cigarettes and i did not know she even smoked.
The Scots man said I am even more worried than that, I looked in her bedroom and found a litre bottle of Whiskey and i did not know she drank Alcohol.
Paddy said I better than that, Last week the Wife was cleaning out the Daughters room and behind a cup[board she found a Pack of 3 Condoms. We did not even know she had a Penis

You will be as daft as me one day Tilly.

Re: Joke of the Week

Posted: Mon 12 Nov, 2018 8:38 pm
by tilly
Jack have you been on the vino, that first sentence got me beat.Ha Ha.