Joke of the Week

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volvojack
Posts: 1199
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Fri 08 Feb, 2019 8:51 pm

Went down to our local Legion Club and there was a Big Fat Lady dancing on a table. "Nice strong Legs" I said "Oh Thank you " she said as she blushed "Yes most t would have collapsed by now" ( I woke up Sat. Morn with six stitches in my nose)
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A week later Iwa standing at the bar and a big fat lass came staggering up behind me and squuezed my A.se. She said "You cute, what about taking me out one night, you had better ring me first. I said "No problem , have you got a Pen " when she said yes i replied "Well you had better get back in there before the Farmer misses you" This time i woke up on Sturday morning with nine stiches in my nose.
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tilly
Posts: 1913
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sat 09 Feb, 2019 12:32 pm

My wife said to me will you still love me when i am old .I said i dont know get hold,
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
Posts: 1199
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 11 Feb, 2019 6:48 pm

Seen on E. Bay
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Brittanica Volumes Brand New and Unused Reason for Sale, I am Newly Wed and find that Wife know's everything.
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Two Salvation Lasses came to my door today and asked "We wondered if your Wife had any old dresses/coats etc. as we are collecting for starving women in Africa!
I told them If the women in Africa can fit in my wife's clothing then one thing is certain They are Not Starving
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volvojack
Posts: 1199
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 12 Feb, 2019 10:39 am

Valentines day on Thursday. When I told the Wife I had already booked a table for 8 pm. she got really excited. I did not realise she was that so keen on snooker.
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She said "I would like it to be somewhere I don't often go " I suggested the Kitchen last year and she seemed to get quite upset.
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blackprince
Posts: 702
Joined: Tue 04 Sep, 2007 2:10 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby blackprince » Fri 15 Feb, 2019 4:22 pm

Last week the wife told me that she had a dream that on Valentine's day I would give her a diamond necklace. She asked me what the dream could possibly mean, so I said don't worry love it will all become clear on Valentine's day.
On Feb 14th I gave her a gift -a book called " The Meaning of Dreams".
It used to be said that the statue of the Black Prince had been placed in City Square , near the station, pointing South to tell all the southerners who've just got off the train to b****r off back down south!
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tilly
Posts: 1913
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Fri 15 Feb, 2019 9:09 pm

Hi blackprince keep them coming.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
Posts: 1199
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 20 Feb, 2019 3:55 pm

How are kids expected to take notice of their parents now that they have access to d.v.ds and videos.
Cinderella stays out until midnight, Pinocchio does nothing but lie, Ali Baba hangs around with a bunch of thieves, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, Batman drives at over 300 miles per hour and Snow White lives with Seven men. I
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I came home from work and the wife opened the door just dressed in a flimsy night gown. She was carrying a silk rope , she purred and said "This if our anniversary so tie me up and do any thing you want" So I carried her up stairs, tied her to the bed and went off up to the Pub.
volvojack
Posts: 1199
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Thu 21 Feb, 2019 8:09 pm

A ex. U.S. Airforce Pilot who spent the latter part of the War stationed in the Cambridge area aboard Bombers decides to revisit so goes to his Travel agent and tells him "Hang the expense, just get it arranged" Of course when he arrives the Airfield and Base etc, is all gone after 60 years and in it's place were fields of sprouts, cabbages.even though disappointed the Mercedes whisked him off to a Stately Home /Hotel and he was shown to his room which had a four poster bed.The ported said if he would unpack they would have a bottle of Port waiting in the Lounge. He had a bath and then went into the lounge. After the Port the Head waiter came with the Dinner menu, "May I recommend the Brown Windsor soup, Fresh Sirloin of Beef, Yorkshre Pudding with local vegetables and Jersey potatoes"
The Yank says O.K., that sounds really good but I will pass on that there Soup but let me have another bottle of that there fine Port. "Oh Sir one can't possibly have the meal without the Brown Windsor soup" The American says Look i am the one Paying for this so don't tell me what i can have and not have, The head waiter was almost pleading "Sir This meal is not the same without Brown Windsor Soup" The ex. Pilot lost his temper and said Anymore and i am Leaving, With that the Maitre De walks off sulking ,, The American has two more bottles of Port and then staggers of to his Four poster awaits After such along day he falls into a deep sleep, During the night
A maid comes up to administer an Enema to an elderly resident but unfortunately gets the wrong room and turns over the American who groans in his sleep.
When he returns to the States his ex. U.S. buddy phones him and says "How did your trip go what was your stay like" The Yank says A bit sad really as our Old Base was gone, The Mansion was the business, Four poster in the room and fine, fine Port, the food was great and if you do go over you just gotter have the British dinner, that the Yorkshire Puddin', the English Sliced Beef and Local vegetables and Jersey potatoes"...........But what ever if they do if they ask you to have The Brown Windsor Soup say yes other wise They serve you bottles of fine Port, they wait until you are asleep and come into your bedroom and stick it up your Ar.e

volvojack
Posts: 1199
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 02 Mar, 2019 4:50 pm

Bus driver Paddy and his clippie Mrs. Paddy have just won the All Ireland Olympic comp. by driving his Double decker bus over 27 Motor bikes.
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"Murphy says to his missus "Although we argue quite often you just walk out of the room and go upstairs and when you come down you are quite calm " She says That's 'cose each time I go and clean the toilet with Your toothbrush."
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volvojack
Posts: 1199
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 04 Mar, 2019 8:35 pm

Did you know that when a women comes into the room wearing a Leather dress a mans heart beats faster, he becomes dizzy, he starts thinking irrationally and the reason is the smell makes him think of a New Leather Golf Bag.
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When I came home from work the wife said "My Mother has been round and says her hands are blistered from using her Broom" I suggested that she should use her car more but that did not go down very well

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