Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
volvojack
PostsCOLON 976
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 10 Apr, 2018 7:54 am

"More Looting in The County Of BallyMuck" .............
That well known villian Padddy O' hooligan broke into the Local Argos Store and loaded up hs Ford Transit before getting away,
Now he is looking for someone to buy 2,000 Catalogues.
....................................................................
Paddy went to the Doctors a and tells the Receptionist "I keep seeing Large Coloured Dots before my eyes" She asks Have you seen a Doctor ? Paddy says " No just Large Coloured Dots"
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tilly
PostsCOLON 1787
JoinedCOLON Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Tue 10 Apr, 2018 11:25 am

How do you confuse an Irish man put three shovels in a corner and ask him to take his pick.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 976
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Wed 11 Apr, 2018 9:54 pm

I remember when i gave Liam Gallager his first Guitar, He said "Wow this is Great but what's that Knob at the Front for " I said that's the Lead singer Noel.
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Hey that Liverpool plce is tough, I had only been in Town an hour and i was looking out over the Mersey when i got a Message in a Bottle. Some Scally hit me with it and said "Stop looking at my Judy"
It was so cold there that the local lads had their hands in their own pockets.
volvojack
PostsCOLON 976
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sun 15 Apr, 2018 2:28 pm

Quotes.....
If it was not for Pickpockets and been Frisked by Security at the Airport i would not have any Sex Life at all.
.............................................................................................................. I am glad i am Not Bi Sexual as I could not stand being rejected by a Man as well as a Women.
............................................................................... I Blame my Mother for a poor Sex Life. all she told me was "The Man gets on top with the Women underneath "...... For the first 3 Years after being married my Wife and I slept in Bunk Beds.
............................................I Think Testing on Animals is so Cruel, They always seem to nervous and give all the wrong answers............
Every time Eric Bristow sees me he asks me "Why do you put Superglue on my Darts?" I told him ....You just can't let it Go, can you.
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I saw a Man Chatting up a Cheetah...I thought to myself "Looks like he's trying to pull a Fast One"

volvojack
PostsCOLON 976
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Thu 19 Apr, 2018 9:30 pm

The Wife and I have been arguing where to go for our Holidays . I want to go to Tenerife and She wants to come with me. .......................I have ofton wanted to drown my Sorows but the Wife can't swim and won't go near any water..............Looking back i realise it was our Son that kept our Marriage together. "Neither one of us wanted custody of him.
............................................Two Scottie Dogs , one Black and one White go into a Pub and order Two Large Whiskeys. The Barman says "Thats amazing, did you know there was Famous Scotch whiskey with the same name as you two" The Dogs reply " What, you mean Bill and Ben ?"
volvojack
PostsCOLON 976
JoinedCOLON Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 21 Apr, 2018 7:05 pm

ANSWERS FROM BIBLE CLASS .......1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAHS WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS. 8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA. 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 18. ST. JOHN , THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE. 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY. 26. DAVID SLEW GOLIATH WITH THE ARSE BONE OF A GIRAFFE ........HERE ENDETH THE LESSON.

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