Joke of the Week

Off-topic discussions, musings and chat
volvojack
Posts: 1271
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 17 Sep, 2019 1:11 pm

a man was suffering from recurring headaches and though he tried various ways to cure them nothing worked until a pal recomended he tried a local hypnotist. He did this and was told to stand in front of a mirror and repeat three times "My headache has gone" this he did and to his surprise no more headaches. He related this to his wife so many times she said "Its a pity you did not mention about your performance in bed as it has not been up to much lately " back he went to the hypnotist andwas told to do the same. That night before getting into bed he went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He had sex with his wife and she was knocked out. Half an hour later he went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and when he came out he had sex again with her that she could not believe. 30 minutes later he got up to go to the bathroom and this time his wife decided to peep in while he was looking in the mirror. He was looking straight ahead and saying "This is for you and only you Mavis" his wifes name is Agnes.......His funeral is next Saturday.
User avatar
tilly
Posts: 1959
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Wed 18 Sep, 2019 8:06 pm

A man goes into a pet shop and says i would like to buy a wasp.The owner says we dont sell wasps the customer says well you have got one in your window.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
Posts: 1271
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 21 Sep, 2019 8:59 am

Women playing golf and tees off, the ball flys off at speed and hit a young man stood by. He collapses and when she runs over he is laid in the foetal position clutching his groin. After apologising and seeing how much pain he is in she explains that she used to be a nurse. She loosens his trousers, slips her hand inside and very gently massages him. after about 10 mins. she asks it he feels any better. He says Yes, but i still think my thumb is broken.

Bailiff stops a Fisherman and accuses him of poaching. Oh no says the angler These are my two trained trout i am just on my way to let them swim. Bailiff says A likely story but when the man says "I slip them in the river for 8 minutes, then i whistle and they swim back into the net. The Bailis curious, this had better be true or there is a £50 fine waiting for you.. The man slips the trout into the water and lights a cigarette. After 10 mins the Bailiff says Go on whistle then, What for says the man, for the trout to come back. "What Trout "

Paddy goes into the chemist and says "Can i have a box of soluble acetylsalicylic please" the chemist says You mean Asprin Paddy replies "Thats it i can never remember that name"
User avatar
tilly
Posts: 1959
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sun 22 Sep, 2019 10:13 am

Paddy says to Murphy i robbed a shop last night,i took a load of pictures the cheapest is worth £180.000.Murphy says Paddy you've robbed an estate agents.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

volvojack
Posts: 1271
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 23 Sep, 2019 10:29 am

In the 1940s Wilfred Pickles had a show "Have a Go Jo" in which he and his wife Mabhemanel travelled around the countrygetting folks out of the audience "Have you ever had an embarasing momemt" and then ask them a question. if they got it correct Wilfred would say " Give hei/her the money Barney" (£1.19.11.d) and Violet Carson would play the piano. In its day it had 20 million listeners. One show from Preston Town Hall they had an old lass on stage, head scarf and all. Willfred said to her "get this answer right love and the money is yours, What were the first words Eves said when she first saw Adam nude in the Garden of Eden" The old lass thought for a while and then said "Eee thats a stiff one" Wilfred said Thats right Love, give her the money Barney"


There are clips on Youtube from the 1940s showing live Broadcasts.
volvojack
Posts: 1271
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Mon 23 Sep, 2019 10:01 pm

Daddy, Can we have an Orange and a piece of coal and maybe an orange in our stocking this Christmas like you used to do years ago please....
"Not likely, have you seen the price of Coal these days, you will get an X.box or something similar.
...................................................................................................................................
A Toilet Duck came home drunk, he assulted his wife. The following morning He was charged with Bleach of the peace and Domestos violence.
.............................................
Sister Mary walks out of her Cell and as she passes Sister Agnes she says "We got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning Sister Mary" That happens a couple of times on the way down to Breakfast and when she goes into the dining room Mother Superior says "I see we got out of the bed the wrong side this morning Sister Mary" Now quite angry she replies I don't wnow why everyone is saying the same thing this morning . Mothe Superior says " Maybe it's because you are wearing Father Kellys slippers"
volvojack
Posts: 1271
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Tue 24 Sep, 2019 4:21 pm

Phew..... How lucky i am, i have a pal in the travel trade and he told me that Thomas Cook were likely to go under so i booked the Mother in Law four weeks holiday in Tunisia. she has not heard about this but seems to be very pleased that their are armed guards around her hotel and taking care of all the passports.
Last edited by volvojack on Thu 26 Sep, 2019 9:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
tilly
Posts: 1959
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Thu 26 Sep, 2019 9:03 pm

Someone broke into the house next door to me and stole there dog the police asked if they had heard any noise.They said they heard a chain rattling in the night police think this could be a lead
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.

User avatar
tilly
Posts: 1959
Joined: Mon 11 Jan, 2010 2:32 pm

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby tilly » Sat 28 Sep, 2019 3:20 pm

A man was driving down the road when a police car comes behind him he puts his foot down he is doing one hundred miles mph.The police car keeps up with him so he puts his foot down he is now doing one hundred and twenty mph the police car is still behind him so he floors it to one hundred and thirty mph. The police car is still behind him so he decides to stop the police man walks up to him and says my shift ends in ten minutes give me an excuse i have never heard and i will let you off.The man says years ago my wife ran off with a police man and i thought you were bringing her back, the police man says on your way.
No matter were i end my days im an Hunslet lad with Hunslet ways.
volvojack
Posts: 1271
Joined: Tue 26 Jan, 2016 11:57 am

Re: Joke of the Week

Postby volvojack » Sat 28 Sep, 2019 4:13 pm

I met Donald J. Trump and asked him what the J. stood for. He said "Genius

I met this girl and asked her what is she doing at the weekend ? She replied Going to Town to buy some glasse. I asked And then what.......She said then i'll see





Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests